Relationships(Platonic/Romantic)

Oh the sweet astrological joy of turning 23.

Cruel.

I’ve always heard about the relationship woes or better yet horrors of every 23 year old but I never looked into my birth chart to see what it held for me. A Jupiter return, my home it seems. I’ve always felt that I have been quite lucky and blessed this lifetime. I am a lady of luck. Whatever I set my mind to or things that I put off that I really want, usually end up working out for me. It’s kinda scary. I’m not sure if it’s the power of manifestation but it feels something close.

A Jupiter return happens every 12 years. And it was prime time for mine. I was freshly 23.

Jupiter can be considered the planet of luck. You would think that your life would be on the up and up and I think in my case it was/is.

How do you make room for all the luck that you’re supposed to receive? You need to reexamine and reevaluate what you want to do, where you are, and how you feel? I spent so much of my time this year trying to fight what the universe has been trying to tell me for the past 2 years. I knew the signs, I saw them, I dreamt them, and yet I was so scared of it. I didn’t want to have to make the decision to cut this person off? I grappled with the question of my strength. I knew I was patient, but I didn’t think I was strong enough to do this. I didn’t know what it looked like when my patience ran out; it always seemed to come from this bottomless well that was inside me. I thought my compassion for this relationship was endless. Because I couldn’t tell my limits, better yet respect my limits, I gave up something that had no business being given up.

I’m a terrible liar. I know everyone says that but I know its true for me. My face twitches. The words just don’t feel right coming out. To convince myself of something I felt wasn’t true feels like keeping a lie. I truly felt that if I ignored what my gut was telling me, what someone’s actions were telling me(intentional/unintentional), and the passage of time would help me gloss over this. It did with all of our other issues. We talked about fixing things but it felt like those things never really got dealt with. It did work for a while like it always does with this cycle/person. Every now and then I would remember and I felt sick. It didn’t sit right with me to “pretend”. It was for someone I truly cared about so that had to make it okay. I thought that this was what I needed to do. I thought that the love that I had for this person would be seen in this action. How deeply I loved and cared for them. I thought it would make this decision easier. It was torture. It was agonizing. No one was forcing me to do this but I wanted to keep what we had so badly. I felt like I was the worst friend/person in the world. This person was so happy and I felt like shit that I couldn’t get on board with them. I never wanted to deny this person what they felt like they needed. But it wasn’t what I needed either. It’s their life but the things that they chose/did had more effect than they realized. It’s not just them who had to live with their choices. I had already expressed that I didn’t want my opinions to influence their life so heavily. I never wanted them to resent me or vice versa. I had already expressed my disdain and disapproval of what they wanted and gave my reasons why and for some reason I thought they were on the same page.

I knew what they wanted to do, had always known. I thought I would be given more time to accept the reality of a life I didn’t want. To come to terms with and decide what I wanted to do in the face of that. I regret telling them I was ready. I don’t regret much but I regret those words deeply. I would never be ready or accepting but I didn’t want to ruin what they felt like was a good thing for them. I just wanted them to be happy and they seemed really happy with this decision. With or without me and I how I felt, I thought they would’ve been happy. I wished I was strong in that moment, to tell myself I didn’t have to do that. A part of me was already prepared to do that. I wasn’t ready yet then. The slate that we had cleaned was still dirty but I was pretending not to see the stains. I thought that this promise that I made was more important than what I wanted.

Where do you go when there is no trust?

No more benefit of doubt being given. I had no idea where to go. I was so lost. I’ve never had to figure this out before. I didn’t want to decide where to go.

I wondered what life would be like without them, without the constant reminder in the face of what I felt like was betrayal. To get out of the pattern that we were in. To put an end to the constant wondering. To heal this wound that I thought had healed even slightly. They were such a huge part of my life, but I wasn’t happy anymore. I can’t remember the last time I was happy with this person. I didn’t want to make here and there memories anymore. I was scared but I was also angry. Hurt and tired are great motivators when you want to change your life.

I’m not sure if I can describe what the feeling of “enough” is like properly. It’s like snapping your fingers with no sound. You know you’re doing everything right but it just doesn’t work. The outcome that’s supposed to be there, doesn’t happen. After a couple tries you eventually give up. I got tired feeling like I was living in the past. Trying to progress in my life but I was being held back. There were opportunities that were being presented to me that I couldn’t fully appreciate because I was focused on trying to repair what I felt was a broken bond. I tried making new friends but I would feel guilty. I felt this person hanging onto me tightly when I felt my path was elsewhere. I didn’t want them to think I was trying to replace them but it felt like no matter what I did they would see it that way.

It was gloomy and 6:30 when I decided to leave. I had already decided that week what I had to do. I had learned information on a situation that I felt like I was in the dark in. It was something that I felt was unforgivable. I wish I could describe the hurt. I don’t know if I’m ready to. But it hurts. It hurts so bad. It still hurts to this day.

The deed itself wasn’t hard to do. That sounds terrible but it was so easy. Over text wasn’t the initial plan. I had plans to talk to this person, but it just didn’t feel right. Nothing felt right anymore. It’s not that I didn’t respect what we had or that I felt our relationship was beneath a face to face conversation, I just knew that there was no where else I wanted to go after that conversation. I didn’t want them to lie to my face again. I didn’t want to work on anything else. I didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t trust me and that I no longer trusted. I knew I could be judgmental but I never thought that it would make me untrustworthy in their eyes. I had never lied to them, had always been transparent and honest. I thought they loved that about me. I thought they liked that I held them accountable. But their view of me isn’t what I thought. I don’t know if it’s my actions that caused them to see me this way or the words/thoughts of another. I only let my perception of them change based on their actions and what they told me, I shut out everyone else. Maybe that was a mistake, but I respected them so how could it be? How could it be that every time I think of them, I see the face of liar. Every time I hear their voice, I hear the voice of a liar. Someone who wanted to protect their own interests.

It’s been 9/10 months since I decided to walk away. Since I decided to make room for more. It was one of the best things I ever decided to do. Even though it hurt, it hurt so badly, I needed to do this. My life has been much better for it. That’s not to say I didn’t have hard nights after. It would be an understatement to say I miss this person. I would be a real genuine liar if I tried to play that off. I miss them but I’m not strong enough for the connection that we had. We used to have something great but it got lost and I got tired of trying to look for it. It’s not that I felt that this person couldn’t come with me to the place where I’m at now, I wanted them to come, but they have things in their path that they need to deal with. I don’t foresee us ever being that close again if life or myself allowed us to cross paths again. They’ve been unblocked for quite some time but I’m content with the distance that we have. I’m more than content, I’m happy and welcoming it. I used to wish for an outcome where we could come together again but there’s too much time, space, and life that I need before I can ever see that as a possibility. I wanted so badly for everything to be different. Were there things I could’ve done differently, sure, the outcome would’ve been the same. There was nothing they or myself could’ve said or done. It was time and I was finally strong enough.

I’ve had an easier time making friends now.

Truth be told I already had friends. I have an abundance of friends. I’ve always been blessed to experience community in the way that I have. I’m always surrounded by people who love and care for me. Years can go by and I know that we still share that love for one another. I feel great. I feel amazing. I feel truly free. I am thankful for the experience but I never wish to go through another cycle like that again. Never again.

---

The biggest pain/test was moving together. We already lived together in a cute little studio but we were quickly outgrowing our space. I’ve never lived with anyone besides my family and my roommate freshman year. I love living with my boyfriend. Our styles mesh so well. It feels and looks so cozy. Personally, I think it’s because we’re just so comfortable with each other. It shows our commitment to compromise while still having our own unique styles shine through. I’ve never had that type of compromise before. It’s kinda scary sometimes. To know that you love something/someone so much that you’re giving something up comfortably and safely. I’ve never made a compromise in my relationship that I couldn’t live with and have never been asked to. I go to bed peacefully every night in the arms of the man that I love with our over affectionate dog. In my past relationships, platonic and familial, it was harder to come to agreements.

It’s nice to have a relationship that feels as safe as this does. I thought we would butt heads more often after we moved. It was an empty blank canvas that we were both eager to decorate and we’re both independent and stubborn procrastinators. We bickered more during the moving process than the actual decorating and arranging.

The move brought up a lot of emotions that I didn’t know that I had regarding trust and my sense of security. I moved around a lot while growing up. I attended 2 elementary schools, 2 middle schools, and 3 high schools. I also moved dorm rooms twice a year during college. I don’t enjoy moving. Packing everything up is stressful, it’s always disorganized. You go in with this plan. What boxes go where or to put your clothes in a garbage bag or a tote; next thing you know you’re using your clothes as newspaper substitute for your cups.

I’ve never felt like I’ve had a place that I felt truly settled in. When you move so much it’s harder to make connections. It’s harder to let people get to know you. It’s hard to slow down. Maybe that’s why I love community so much, when it was hard to find friends, I would seek out community. I would join clubs and groups and meet people that way. It’s nerve wracking to put yourself out there. I’m only lucky that the communities that I found had accepting people.

While I felt physical security at home, I tended to neglect the other types of security in that environment.

I felt shier at home. Didn’t seek out outlets for my emotions. Didn’t talk about them as much. Clearly I have much to unpack now as an adult. I knew what went into feeling secure. I worked/still work on security with myself, but security in a relationship, I only had a small idea. I have friendships where I was open and vulnerable but I still held myself back. I let my fear get in control sometimes so I didn’t share. It’s not fair to them. I trusted my friends but I’ve had my trust broken before, it’s incredibly difficult to rebuild. Having expectations and having someone/something fail. It’s crushing. But I understand that there was no security, respect, or care when my trust was broken.

I have to thank my friends who have helped me recognize what I need to feel safe. As well as myself for committing to better understand Shay and how to she wants to interact with the world and others. On my ever winding journey to be an emotionally competent being, investing into unpacking and acting on the things I want to change has been so helpful. Journaling also helped. Showed me patterns of reactions and gave me an outlet to work through why I felt that way.

With my boyfriend, I feel like all my hard work has paid off. I feel deserving for the first time in my life. And I’m in a place where I can accept it and not sabotage.

Since we met, we’ve always been able to talk about anything. Our first date consisted of conversations by the lake that stretched for hours. I’ve never met a guy that I felt like I could truly connect to like this. It’s nice to have someone listen to me as attentively as he does. For the first time in my life, I was seen and understood by someone of the opposite sex. I’ve dated around and nothing has come close to the level of understanding that he has of me. That has only come from trust and security. I trust him. I trust him as much as I trust myself and more. He continuously delivers on his promises and communicates with me when he can’t and why. He’s honest and has integrity. He’s someone I can trust at his word. I can trust his actions, I trust his eyes, his touch, his meals, his suggestions to stop biting my nails or to have a sweet treat, and most importantly I can trust his faith in us. I trust his security our relationship. I’ve never had that before. It was something that I had to think about when deciding to do this move. I had already thought about this when I first said yes to moving into the studio, but this was different. It had more permanent adult feelings. It forced me to think more about stability and if I felt like I could live the way that we do for what feels like the rest of my life. It’s just renting an apartment but for me it was more than that. It’s refreshing to be with someone who values stability and wants to exist in that with you.

Instead of letting myself spiral with the emotions that I was feeling with the move and dealing with the aftermath of my friend fallout, I spoke. It was hard, but not impossible. I knew to not share would hurt my relationship than help it. Also if I was to do this big move with this person then I needed to be able to open up more. Being met with understanding and care reminds me of the reason why I trust. There are other people out there who can care about me as much as I care about me. It reminds me why I love and why I love him. I thought the honeymoon phase would be over after we moved but all it did was bring us closer together. We’re half a year into our new place and I realize we build a beautiful life together. To live with my best friend and to make a life that supports and excites you both is amazing. I can only imagine what type of family we could build together. With our luck and track record, I’m thinking it’ll continue in the same fashion.

• End of the Year Celebration
• Lore Drops