Lessons/Takeaways
Fortune truly does favor the brave.
It favors the ones who hope, the ones who push, the ones who stand tall, and the ones who believe.
I’ve seen all the times in my life where I should’ve been brave and I cowered. I used to beat myself up about the times where I should’ve been stronger, but I need to give myself grace. I am strong 80% of the time, the other 20% I’m not and that’s okay. I am a pillar in my life, I am strong and resilient. People in my life know that I am strong and commend me and wish me well. It’s the people who know that I am strong and pretend to wish me well but don’t truly feel it because they wish they were as strong as me. Some may call that jealousy.
I’ve seen people make fun of my compassion. I’ve seen people who I thought were like family, criticize how and who I wield my compassion. Those people are not real lovers. They’re not authentic to themselves or to others, they’re not empathic to the human journey, they’re not shit. It boils my blood. The same people who say this shit about me, have been on the receiving end of my love, compassion, empathy, loyalty, heart were reaping the benefits at one point and fucking loved it. You niggas make me sick to my fucking stomach. I know in my heart, soul, mind that I am real, genuine, and fucking sincere. I may be scared and get in my own way, but I’m fucking sincere in everything that I do. The compassion, love, empathy, and grace that I give others, I give myself. A lot of you niggas have never been able to give yourself that and so you make fun of others who do. If anyone ever wonders how I achieve the the things that I have and stumble across the opportunities that I have is because I am me. I work hard, I learn my lessons, and apply it to the next situation. I have struggled. I don’t make my struggles public but I have struggled. I let that shit make me stronger, make my compassion everlasting. Ever reaching. The people who criticize me, can’t even offer that to themselves. They say they grow, and they don’t. Just therapy speak bullshitting their way through their lives and relationships refusing to actually do the work because they’re too scared of what they’ll lose. You don’t really want that shit then. I won’t entertain that shit in any of my relationships ever again. Your self reflection means nothing if you’re only acknowledging and not changing your behavior. Most of you niggas use it as an excuse to justify the shit that you do. You’re not working on anything and you have no plans to. You’re comfortable with that information and life is still working for you so you don’t change.
All these criticisms just make me embrace the passion that I have more. The shame and embarrassment that people try to pin on me from being comfortable and expressing myself has never fazed me. I love cringe. I have learned to embrace that more. I am free. I’ll scream what I love from the mountains. So what I really love Kiss From A Rose by Seal or that I like those really powdery frosted sugar cookies with the pink icing that are so thick it sits on the roof of your mouth. My life is so much happier because I can admit that instead of hiding. It just makes me love being me every single day that I wake up. My personality is my own. Handcrafted by me. You’ll never be able to imitate me. I can brag about this shit because I work hard for everything that I earn. I may be lucky but that is only because I am willing to do the work. I have an ego but it is well earned and maintained. I am humble but I appreciate myself for the hard work that I contribute. I no longer trust people who are uncomfortable by my compassion. They’re the main ones who try to change me. They’ll discredit me and try to bring me down by nitpicking everything I do. Find fault with every single fucking thing I do but will be on my dick first thing. Celebrate me in public but harbor ill will for me in private. I now know what that type of behavior looks like and I’ll never overlook that again.
To answer my question in my post that I posed, Where do you go when there is no trust, no benefit of doubt, you go where you are loved/respected.
That should be with yourself and with others who can give you/shown you those things.
If you’re like me, once your trust has been broken, it’s gone for good. There’s no coming back from a breach of trust. I tried to do something that I knew wasn’t right for me to please someone in a situation I didn’t trust. Relationships should not be like that. You should not have to sacrifice something so precious to you for someone else. I shouldn’t have done that. They had already proven to me that I couldn’t trust them with this person. I should’ve left earlier than what I did and maybe I was wrong for that. I thought I was being a good friend to them by trying to put my feelings to the side and being cordial. I learned to never do that shit again because the person never sees the sacrifice in the end. I can’t beat them up for not seeing it though, it was my choice in the end. Just like I wasn’t okay with their choices, I can’t fault them for being upset that I didn’t end it sooner, but I feel like they still would’ve had the same feelings towards me in the end. If this person needs this sorry from me, I can only apologize for not leaving sooner. I am not sorry for anything else. There is nothing else to be sorry for. I wasn’t trying to drag things out, I truly thought my opinion would change the more I was in the situation but I was wrong.
I’ve learned that I’m allowed to use my voice and speak on what I know. All I ever did was use my voice in the lessons that hurt me this year. I spoke on what was hurting me to people who I knew were listening and hearing me. There was no malicious intent behind sharing my frustrations, but I found strength in sharing it. Hearing myself repeat the same tiring shit to others, helped me gather to strength to leave. Helped me realize just how truly tired I was.
I found that if someone is upset with your version of events, there are lies involved. Either from the person who is angry because they’re omitting details or to the person telling the events because they’re fabricating the story. I personally believe I’m not telling my story wrong, people just can’t accept what they’ve done. I don’t have time to wait around for that kind of justice.
I learned that just because I understand doesn’t make it right. I can understand why this person felt the need to protect this thing but that doesn’t make it right. I know this person doesn’t understand me. All they understand is that I hurt them. I thought I explained myself well but this person hasn’t understood me for the last 2 years. I feel like I’ve told this person time and time again but they’re committed to misunderstanding me. I don’t want to be in that place anymore. I don’t have to force myself to keep trying to get someone to understand me.
I know that understanding clouded my judgement and perception a bit. The means don’t always justify the end. And I can only understand so much. People abuse my compassion and my understanding and I need to draw better boundaries with that. I thought I had better boundaries with this person but all I did was prove to myself and to the world that I didn’t. I would talk about the things I don’t understand about this situation but I just don’t think I’m in the space to do that respectfully and it’s just not the internet’s business.
The last lesson I learned is what true and real justice looks like. It’s beyond getting your lick back. It beyond being throwing petty jabs and subs. It’s change. It’s information. It’s conformation, in my case. I had written a journal entry on judgement and justice after looking at my tarot cards one day. I should’ve listened to my intuition almost 3 years ago. My judgement was sound as it has always been. I should’ve trusted my judgement right then and there but I loved this person and decided not to trust myself. I was right. I don’t care if anyone believes me, I am right. Everything I said in my goodbye, I stand on that shit ten toes down respectfully and disrespectfully. Just know that if I was there I would say it this time. Because I did. Until I was blue in the face honestly and earnestly, I told you so.
But my lesson is over. My lesson was choosing myself and knowing when to walk away. To be comfortable using my voice even if I felt alone ( I was not alone ). To trust my judgement. It has never steered me wrong and has only gotten better over time. I’m not as close minded as I think I am sometimes and am open to changing how I feel and how I see things. The same judgement led me to the opportunities that I have in front of me today. To the happiness that I feel today. I can’t be wrong about my peace, I have done the work to know what brings me real and true joy, how could I let anyone dictate or take that away from me. My joy is the best in the world because it’s mine. And it’s even more amazing that I have wonderful people to celebrate with.
I can only go up from here and that’s exactly what’s been happening. I made room for the new that Jupiter was trying to show me and I am much happier for it. The people in my life are happier for it. They were harsh lessons but they were good and needed.
The Abode 