Career

I had been working at my previous job for at least 6 months at the start of this year. I primarily worked at night and also had to work every other weekend.

I wasn’t super gaga about working weekends and the schedule was not as flexible as I wanted/made to believe when I got hired on. But I had really gotten to know the people that I worked with. A big group of people from different countries. More culturally diverse than what I was used to.

Even though I liked majority of the people that I worked with, I was still bored of the job. Bored with the tasks, the sights, and the routine. I wanted more stimulation, a challenge. I had always viewed this job as a means to an end. I had bills to pay but I knew that I couldn’t see myself at this position long term. I’ve been in food service for a decade of my life. I just graduated with my little fancy liberal arts Marketing degree that I still don’t have my diploma for to this day. I want to do something in the field that I went to school for like any young graduate but it was super hard to find any entry level jobs.

I never thought of myself as a leader.

I knew I was responsible but I thought that my inability to deal with problems as they arise would automatically pull me out of any runnings. I’d been a leader before and I liked it but I didn’t feel super great at it or anything. I’ve found this year in both my personal and professional life that people think I am just too nice. They think because I’m nice that I’m passive or that it is easy to walk over me. It’s frustrating to be met with these things when you genuinely care about the thoughts, opinions, and wellbeing of others. I’ve always been a collaborative person. I would hate for anyone to be left out of anything or feel like they never had a say. Being a manager was the perfect way for me to excel in my nature. I liked being a manager, I loved the people that I managed and the atmosphere that I’d created.

I wasn’t prepared for the hardships of being a manager though. Balancing the line between friend and manager, having to show up mentally and emotionally everyday, the emotional labor of making sure morale was good, and dealing with management.

The shit was hard, I won’t ever deny that. If I made it look easy, just know I was struggling. I can deal with people not doing what I ask them. I can compromise. If I think your way is better than the way that I have in my head then I could allow it. I realize why/how I could’ve been seen as a pushover when I was just trying to be collaborative. Sometimes being assertive gets lost in the craziness of the shift. In the feelings of the person who tells me what they’re struggling with outside of work, in the numbers that the higher ups try to push on us, the weird enforcement of rules, and in the drama of work. The assertiveness that I sometimes lacked, I felt like I made up for in other ways.

I showed up for my people. I truly tried hard to make things right for them. My ultimate goal was to always make sure they never had to worry about much while they were at work. I wanted to make sure that they had time to talk to each other, encourage each other, be a shoulder that I couldn’t be sometimes. I wanted to make sure they at least could say they enjoyed their shift just a little bit. I would leave work exhausted from double checking and finishing up tasks. My feet would ache so badly and the emotions and stress that I tried not to show throughout the day would make me irritable or stressed at times. I was happy for a while. Shorter than I was expecting. I loved my crew, they made me feel so respected, that my hard work was appreciated. That they mostly cared for me as much as I cared for them. I would’ve stayed longer but I know when a place is not for me anymore.

Living is cool.

I do a bit of it from time to time. However, I found I was doing less of that with the hours that I worked. The money was nice. I was making more money than I ever had in my life. $23 isn’t like crazy but to someone who was used to making $15 for the last 4 years, I felt fucking rich. There were definitely signs, being able to pay expedited shipping, buying $90 humidifiers, or 4 Lego sets in one trip. Even though the money was nice, I was missing out on too much. I missed my family and my free time. I had crumbs to devout to hobbies, new interests, or friends. I was growing restless too. I hated the environment. There was no room to grow, to do what I truly wanted. The skills that I have I know can be put to better use for things other than the drone work that didn’t interest me. I had something growing inside me. I’ve felt this before, this feeling and I are so familiar we are almost like kin. The feeling of more.

It can be hard to accept more. The call to do more can make you crazy; you can see/hear it everywhere. I thought that it would take me longer to feel this way, I had been a manager for at least 6 months, but I wanted more out of the time I had. I wanted to see more life. I knew that through opening my schedule up could help me find where I wanted to be career wise. I felt like I was missing opportunities by being in the environment I was in. I felt bogged down. I felt like I was just watching my life pass me by. My weekends were filled with laundry, clothes I didn’t wear, and here and there memories. I felt like I was much older than I was. I wanted to feel young and free again. Like damn, I really felt like I should’ve been at the club.

After I changed jobs, my schedule opened a lot more. I found myself not dreading work as much. I could actually begin to try and start planning for new hobbies. I felt like I watched the sun come in. I’ve been so much happier, though my pockets are suffering. I’ve lived without before, it’s hard but I learned that I could still be happy. The more I let myself be too focused or sad on the lack, the more I began to miss out with the things that I did have. It has helped me learn to be happy with have I have now and work on the things that I don’t but not let the work take center focus.

I feel somewhat closer to figuring out what I might want to go into career wise.

I want to be where the community is. But community is weird now though. There are too many people who want to be minorities. They don’t want to be like the others, they want to be unique. They are already unique but this stupid push for being the most unique, most misunderstood, is crazy. I’m not bashing people for thinking they’re different, but it’s really limiting us to see ourselves in others. With the differences that we want seen/acknowledged, there should be room for empathy, but there isn’t. Everything just feels like a pissing contest. My weirdness is better than yours type shit. It’s been so weird to encounter the more I talk to people. It makes it 10x harder to interact with others.

I like to be surrounded by people, not because I’m lonely though. I am content with being alone, I love and respect myself very much that has never been a problem. However, I love people. They’re so fascinating and complex. I see myself in them. I feel for them. The desire that I feel to be seen, I know and feel it’s universal. It’s nothing new, I didn’t discover this, but I see it in all of my interactions. Everyone is so individualistic. So to themselves, they don’t know how to be with other people. So many people love the idea of people but don’t ever truly see them. It’s more than being superficial but it’s deeper. They’re so worried about how people suit them, they don’t really ever want to connect, they just want to be comfortable. It’s great to be comfortable and it’s a nice basis for a relationship but if that’s all that you focus on then I feel like you’re just settling. People let too much shit slide just because they want to be comfortable and keep what they have. Those are the main people who are nonconfrontational, can never be good with their words, they’re flighty. Always in the wind because they always go where they think they’ll be comfortable. Not safe, but comfortable. They usually aren’t happy for a long time either there. That’s why they always stay in some fucking mess and will throw you under the bus if you threaten their comfortability. Stay away from those people.

Despite that, I want to connect with people. It’s hard nowadays. We’re so busy trying to change the world and society that we’re not acknowledging the actual changes that we’ve made. People don’t even say “Hi” or “Thank You” to the bus drivers anymore. They look at you funny when you try to talk to them or ask them something in public. People are seeing people but they’re just looking past them. I want to help people connect. I miss connection. Building community shouldn’t be this hard. Living in community shouldn’t be this hard. People have no love for others, no respect, no will to want to see people succeed in this world. Yet they are so fixed on buildings these families. Family has become the new community but it’ll never have its nachos. Those things are the same but different. They crave those close connections with others but think that they need to be a family in order to be that close.

I want a job that will help me bring those issues to the forefront. Or something that will help me build a community or help people build them. The best part of my previous job as a manager was just building and maintaining the community that I was in. It made me happy to see people smiling and talking and forming connections with their other coworkers. That was the best part of the job. I want more of that. That is the more that I’ve been craving.

Hopefully in 2025 I can get closer to reaching my goal. Or at least have a better idea. Hopefully further than where I am now is all I can hope for.